DOE jokes
Free will is like having a vagina. You don't need to know how to use it, and you don't need to know what it does, but what matters is that you have it.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
8 jelly tickles!
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?
Definitely not 13, because my basement is still dark.
Why does the retard not like eating his vegetables? Because he knows not to be a cannibal, he knows somehow.
What does a polite mouse say?
"Cheese and thank you."
Q: If a cat says to a dog, "All dogs are liars," and the dog says to the cat, "All cats are liars," what does it mean?
A: It means cats and dogs can talk.
What does a Chinese do when you throw an apple at him? Ka-ching!
How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
What does Cinderella wear to the beach?
Glass slippers.
What do Hiroshima and Nagasaki share in common with balls?
They both drop.
My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?
My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...
Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.
*Everyone Looks at me*
What does having sex with a woman and cooking an egg in a skillet have in common?
Both end with a loud annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean the shit up.
What does Mars like to eat?
A Mars bar!
What type of bird does not have feathers on itself?
A bald eagle.
What does an orphan call home?
Nothing. 🤣
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
What does the B in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoît B. Mandelbrot.
How does a butcher keep his tent up in the wind? Steaks.
What does a skeleton tile his roof with?
Shin-gles!