DOE jokes
What's the difference between Chaplin and a politician in a wheelchair?
Chaplin does stand-up comedy, and the politician does sit-down... comedy.
When does an emo get jealous at a phone?
When it dies.
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.
So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?
And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.
This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"
"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"
🤔 What do gay men who are physically handicapped ♿ can do better than a man who is heteroflexible when 🤔 he has another man's 😍 😋 😜 😏 😳 😉 cock inside 😋 of his warm mouth 👄 👄 give a 👍 👍 good blowjob?
In chess, why does the queen have more mobility than the king?
Because the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor.
What does a cannibal call a pregnant person?
A Kinder Surprise.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just Juan.
What does grass and Rachel Sutherland’s wrists have in common: nothing, they both get cut.
Why does the Avon lady walk funny?
Because her lipstick!
What does the M and D in "orphan" stand for?
"Mum" and "Dad."
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 9 because my basement is still dark.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.
If a skinny person wants to gain weight, does that make them a trans fat?
What does a pedophile mostly pound on a piano?
A minor.
What does it say on Stephen Hawking's headstone?
R. I. P. Roll in Peace.
What does Bill Cosby and someone eating at McDonald's have in common?
They're both mc lovin' what they're eating.
Why does an orphan only have 363 days in a year?
Because they don’t have mothers and Father’s Day!
My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."