Doctor Jokes

Anonymous123
in Puns

As a doctor myself, there nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

Christopher Nowak BFA
in Contest

What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards? DON’T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!

Allan C.

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom. Thank you nurse.

Funny python

Don’t say stay positive to the wrong doctor

Anonymous

What did the bird to the hospital for? For tweetment!

Patient: where are you taking me, doctor? Doctor: the morgue Patient: hang on! I’m not dead yet! Doctor: and we’re not there yet!

Patient: doctor every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I’m about to throw up what’s wrong with me? Doctor: I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.

Daniel King
in Banana

Why did the monkey 🐒 take his banana 🍌 to the doctor 👩‍⚕️?

Because it wasn’t peeling good.

Yo so small that wen you go the doctor he doesn’t no you there

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.” Patient: “Give me the good news first.” Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.” Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?” Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Anonymous
in Bar

A doctor is at a bar one night and notices a young lady at the counter, he approaches her and says “Hello there miss, pardon my intrusion but I was curious to know if someone were to pay you a million dollars to sleep with them, would you?” The young lady smiles and says “That’s a lot of money, of course I would.” The doctor smiles and says “That’s interesting, but what if someone were to pay you 5 dollars to sleep with them, would you?” The young lady says “What are you joking? That’s no money at all, Of course I wouldn’t, what do you think I am?” The Doctor smiles again and says “We already established what you are, now we’re trying to establish a price.”

Earl E. Morningwood

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

Anonymous
in Baby

There were three babies in a moms stomach. One baby asks, “what do you want to be when you grow up” The other baby answers, “a doctor I want to help people, what about you” “I want to be an engineer, I want to make things, what about you” he asks to the third baby. “I want to be a hunter”. “Why” the other babies ask. “I want to kill the snake that spits on my face”

big daddy

So a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on; Doctor: “so your wife she is paralyzed from the neck down” and as the doctor goes he says all the things the man must do for her like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says " why, WHY ME!" Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the mans ear and says " I’m just fuckin with u she’s DEAD!"

1
Mr. Dark Joke
in Baby

a Woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

Anonymous
in Animal

There are three men walking down the road and they come across a farm that is for sale. The three men look at each other and put all their money together to buy the farm. On that farm there is a cow a monkey and a bunch of cow food. The men are out of money and the farm is going out of business. One of the men’s sees that there is a contest for the biggest cow in the county. They entered the contest but it’s so thin. Every time they tried to feed the cattle it would poop and lose weight again, so one of them in suggested that they put a cork up the cows behind. The first guy says okay then go put a cork there. I don’t want to do it you do it no you do it. The third guy says let’s just get the monkey to do it. And the monkey puts the cork in the couch behind. They win the biggest cow contest and get the money they need to save the farm. The second guy realizes that they need to take the cork out of cow. Guys we need to take the cork out of the cow he says. Well I’m not going to do it you do it, no you do it. The third guy says let’s just get the monkey to do it again. So the monkey uncorks a cow. And there was a huge explosion… a few days later the three men wake up in the hospital. The doctor walks up to the first man what happened he asks the first man replies all I remember is that a horrible sound. The doctor walks up to the second man and asks what happened. All I remember is that horrible smell… The doctor walks up to the third man and again ask the same question. The third man looks at him and says all I remember is that poor poor monkey trying to put the cork back in.

3
Mr. Dark Joke
in Baby

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers”.

She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

0
Anonymous

“A man came running into a hospital saying” -DOCTOR DOCTOR!!! I CANT FEEL MY LEGS! “The doctor replied” -I know I amputated your ARMS!

Anonymous

Why did the math book go to the psychologist? – It had too many problems.