Disease jokes

What is long and not hairy?

The conga line in the cancer department.

Me: spreading positivity.

Everyone else at the HIV testing center.

What is the difference between a kid's dad and his cancer?

The cancer came back.

Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.

Son (in a happy tone): I know.

Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?

Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.

What's the best haircut?

Chemotherapy.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.

A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."

Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

•Terminal

What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?

Hearing AIDS.

What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.

Q: Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?

A: There was a face off in the corner.

You're so ugly the whole world faked a virus just so you could wear a mask.

I told a diabetic girl to have sweet dreams...

she died the next morning.

Dr. Fauci would be surprised to know that R. Kelly didn't catch COVID-19.

But since COVID is 19, it's too old for him.