Disease jokes
Old man goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"
Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...
...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."
To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"
What’s green and yellow and eats at your nuts?
Gonorrhea.
What's the best way to get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What do you get after a leper has a hot bath? ... Porridge.
What do you call a 3-sum with a girl with AIDS?
Nut in the butt.
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.
A little girl being Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do, child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes, Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes, Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, Father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes, Father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But, Father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"
Jimmy: "That's great!"
Doctor: "A horse with cancer."
I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.
Some say Stephen Hawking was a genius, but I never heard him say anything intelligent.
I forgot the joke.
Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?
AIDS.
Should I buy COVID-19 or wait until COVID-20 comes out?
Every zodiac sign has a hairstyle except for Cancer.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.
It never gets old.
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.