Diet jokes
How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds?
Kill her afterwards.
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Your mum eats cabbage.
What do we want? A cure for obesity.
When do we want it? After lunch.
Why can't Chinese people play baseball?
They eat the bat.
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
What's the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.
Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
Because he was a "her" before.
Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.
I went to McDonald's to get a Big Mac. It was for his mom cause she was too fat.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
Why would a cannibal stop eating people?
If they got fed up with them.
Lean.
Why are vegetarians so good at giving head? Because they’re used to having nuts in their mouth.
Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."
Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"
What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.
If a vegan and a vegan have a fight, is it still considered beef?
Why are skinny people skinny?
Because he don't have a family to breastfeed on.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.