Diet jokes
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
You're so fat, you only know the letters KFC.
I got barred from Weight Watchers today.
It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.
They always say you are what you eat! So I’d be nothing. That sounds about right.
When you want Pringles, but a fat person was eating them, there were only three left, sweety.
How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?
She died.
How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds?
Kill her afterwards.
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Your mum eats cabbage.
What do we want? A cure for obesity.
When do we want it? After lunch.
Why can't Chinese people play baseball?
They eat the bat.
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
What's the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.
Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
Because he was a "her" before.
Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.
I went to McDonald's to get a Big Mac. It was for his mom cause she was too fat.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
Lean.
Why are vegetarians so good at giving head? Because they’re used to having nuts in their mouth.