Depression jokes
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Die.
Die who?
Me, I want to die.
Friend: You ok, man?
Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...
What do you call a flat-chested depressed person?
A cutting board.
I have it.
On the plus side, I finally hear voices talking to me... just wish they were outside my head.
My therapist said to try having a different outlook on life.
I agree. I should have a different outlook on life. Preferably from underground.
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.
Breaking news (2020): Depressed pigeon misses shitting on people.
Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?
Person: Yea, why?
Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso espresso.
Nah, just kidding, it's bleach.
What's something the same about a depressed kid and a hanger? They both like to hang.
My depressed mom looks good hanging from a tree.
I'm sick of crying; tired of trying; yes, I'm still smiling; inside I'm dying.
I have depression, and am suicidal. Nobody knows though, let's joke about that lol.
What does the depressed person say to the happy person?
"Damn, I wish I was on the stuff you're on, lol."
If you don't like my suicidal jokes, sorry man, didn't know it cut that deep.
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”
My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.