Death jokes
Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies?
Everywhere.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?
There, there, over there, and over here too.
My father always used to say:
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
Until the accident.
Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushion.
What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?
His life insurance.
I think Kobe misunderstood the 6-ft rule.
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your dad.
But my dad's dead.
I know, just reminding you!
Paul Walker died Fast and Furious.
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.
I have a riddle for you:
10 people are on a boat, but they all die due to a tsunami except the captain.
Then, when he gets home, his wife serves him “penguin meat.”
Once he eats it, he starts crying.
Why?
Why did Paul Walker regret turning in his test?
Because his grade went from 99 to 0 in less than a second.
My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?
A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.
The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"
Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.
Students: Damn!
Teacher: Is anyone missing?
Students: Your parents!
A man comes to a bar and has a drink. Then his bully came to him and stole his drink. Then the bully asked, "What's wrong?"
The man said that "I'm trying to kill myself. I tried getting hit by a train, but the train went on a different track. Then I tried to jump off a bridge, but I fell on a boat full of pillows. Then I tried to poison myself."
Then the bully says, "Then what?" Then the man replied, "You just drank it." Then the man left.