My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
I was at a funeral. I kissed a hot girl I did not know. She was the one that died.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?
He wiped.
What's the best comeback for a person calling you an orphan?
Kill their parents.
When a boy points at his parents, they disappear.
What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?
A nun with a javelin through her neck.
We better stop telling orphan jokes because their parents will get mad. Oh... wait... never mind.
My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.
Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.
In reality, I like killing myself.
This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?
In hope to find a mummy.
What is my most popular side of myself?
Suicide.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Suicide.
Suicide who?
Suicide you.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Your dead son.
I bet emos get jealous when their phone dies.
Putting WiFi in the morgue to enable live streaming.
Two guys watching a war movie at a bar are talking. One says to the other, "The Nazis starved my dad to death in a concentration camp during the war."
The other says, "My dad died in a camp as well... he broke his neck."
First guy says, "How did he break his neck?"
Second guy says, "He fell out of the guard tower."
My initials are K.M.C.
Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".
Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.
I’m writing an autobiography.
