Death jokes
How did the man with no arms commit suicide?
We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.
A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.
A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to jump!"
The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"
The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"
The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."
If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.
Tried committing suicide last night...
Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.
Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!
Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!
Mom: ❓❓❓
Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.
My grandmother made her passage on a boat. The thing wasn’t the only thing that went down.
Beethoven composed his whole life.
What did he do in the afterlife? He decomposed! Har har har har har har.
How many Sallys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, she was electrocuted.
Me: I saw your parents yesterday.
Orphan girl: Where?
Me: The coffin was still open.
Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?
Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.
Me: What is that?
Siri: Sugondese nuts.
Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly, or...
Are they just given a quick crash course?
How do you know all suicide bombers self-identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
What's a suicide bomber's biggest fear?
Dying alone.
Are you going to jump? Can I jump with you?
If an emo kid and the quiet kid had a fight, the quiet kid would win because the emo kid would cut himself to death.
You don't want to know why it takes so long to put a dead woman in a mass-produced coffin in a pre-buried grave dug by machinery that is then filled by mourners.