Dead Jokes

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Stephen Hawkings isn't really dead, he's just rebooting

Whole reason he is dead is because he kept hitting 'Remind me later' on his Windows Updates.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

Me. i asked an orphan were his parents were i also said that i promised to take him to them Orphan. there dead Me. a promise made is a promise kept

I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea but it’s dead in the water

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die. But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I wont die because the potato is already dead and cant attack my immune system.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Teacher: what's 3 minus 1? Me: i don't know Teacher: how about this, you have three cakes, I take one how many cakes do you have? Me: three Teacher: If I take one cake from your three what do you have? Me: three cakes and a dead teacher. 👑

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

I was watching my boyfriends dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with the him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When i looked down, he appeared to be dead. My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do ,so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waiting for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said ,”you know , your dogs been a little depressed lately...”

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."