Dead jokes

Dead baby jokes never get old...

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it's not 8 because my basement is still dark.

I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

A good bath is like a dead lover.

You can enjoy them, that is until they get too cold.

What’s bad about swinging a dead baby above your head?

Stopping it with the shovel!

What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a computer?

I don't know, I have both!

My impression of Michael Jackson's butler:

When answering the phone: "No, sorry, he's dead." *hangs up phone*

Why can't Cleopatra ride a bicycle?

Because she's dead.

For dinner, this girl had noodles. The next day, she could not find her skinny sister. The mom said, "Your sister is dead!" sadly. The girl asked, "She was skinny, right?" The mom said yes. The sister laughed, "I ate her! That’s why the noodles were very skinny!"

Where can you find a list of dead astronauts? In the orbituaries.

I'm dead! 😂💀💀

He dead, he alive, but most importantly, he got a new hard drive.

A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."

Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.

Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.

Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”

What goes pop pop sizzle sizzle?

Two dead babies in an acid bath.

I like my women like I like my coffee: nice, fresh, and dead.

Did you hear about the dead artist?

Too many strokes.

Twin Tower jokes are funny because they are dead.