What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!
My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
What's 10 inches and makes women scream?
Cot death!
They named a road after George Floyd. It was a dead end, though.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
What did the suicidal leprechaun say?
"Irish I was dead."
Don't worry, Stephen Hawking isn't dead.
They have just got to copy and paste his memory onto a USB.
911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Stephen Hawking isn't dead, he's just can't walk to the shop and get new batteries. 🙄
What do you call an annoying emo kid? A nuisance.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."
Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he's dead.
Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one cannibal looks up and asks the other cannibal: "Does he taste funny to you?"
What’s an abbreviation for school in America?
Shooting range.
Jokes just as dead as the victims.
What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.
what do u call security outside a samsung store guardians of the galaxy
