Dead jokes

I got arrested for raping a girl. Its so unfair, i really thought she was dead.

What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people.

Why is rape worse than death?

Because dead people get way more attention.

For sale: Dead canary.

Not going cheep.

One day a cow ate a fish.

What came out the other side?

A dead fish.

When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”

Why can't you kill a depressed person?

Because they are already dead inside.

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone?

Because he's dead.

What’s the difference between Hitler and Steven Hawking?

Nothing, they're both dead, one painted the walls and the other committed suicide by pressing ALT + F4.

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

They should bring Michael Jackson back from the dead so he can star in the Peter Pan horror movie.

What does Michael Jackson have in common with Kmart?

They're both dead...

What do you call a dead baby?

Spawn killed.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

Arby's fast food and abortion clinic: Your dead babies are our taters and gravy.

I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.

Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill.

what do you call it when a person dies in Panera Bread?

Panera dead.

Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"

Girl: "Dude, this is a library."

Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."