Dead jokes
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
I heard China aborts 25% of female babies. That's a lot of dead 3-year-old gender-affirmed girls.
What do you call a strong, independent girl in Haryana?
Dead.
The emo girl got jealous that her phone died and not her.
Why did Technoblade die?
Because God wished him dead for all the orphans he made fun of.
Why did Jesus come back from the dead? He forgot to tell you that you're gay!
Follow me.
I heard a noise, so I'm dead.
My dog died today. 😥
Why can't Kobe go shopping?
He's dead.
Jokes are like your grandparents, old and dead.
Why can't my grandma talk?
Because she's dead.
What do we find at the end of every rainbow?
The letter W.
Why can't depressed people make depression jokes? Because they can't talk if they are dead.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
So many things are going through my head.
How am I not dead yet?
I dumped the dead, disabled person's body into a dumpster full of rats.
What do you call a dead polar bear?
Anything, they can't hear you!
What's the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?
The orange tastes good.
Corpses aren’t funny—they’re dead serious.
what do you call it when a person dies in Panera Bread?
Panera dead.