me: calls suicide hotline hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging
One day, a preist and a nun went to play golf together. In the first shot, the preist missed his shot and said “Fuck I missed it.” The nun replied “Hey you should not curse.” In the second shot, the preist missed his shot again and said “Fuck I missed again.” The nun replied “Hey stop swearing, or else god will punish you.” In the next shot, the preist missed once again. He shouted “Fuck this, this game is bullshit.” The nun replied “Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime.” Suddenly, a thunderbolt stroke the nun and killed her, the clouds separated from the sky and there was a voice in the sky saying “Oh fuck I missed.”
I don’t Mexicans have sex education and drivers education on the same day. Because the donkey get tired
As a son I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot. I came home the next day I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask whats going on my mom said to me. Meet your new daddy, then my friend said to hey son get me a beer from the fridge.
Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.
Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.
I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.
After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."
Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.
The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still cant cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still cant f*ck."
yo mama so fat that if she didn't eat for a day there would be enough food to feed africans for 500 years
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
What’s the difference between an emo and a Oreos pack? The emo’s barcode gets longer every day
Yo momma's like a cloud, when she dissappear's, its a beatiful sunny day.
Today I went to the doctor for a test and he said I have 10 months to live. So later that day I stabbed him to death & the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved
One day I went to my friend's apartment and he told me to make myself home. I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors
i saw a monkey outside of school and said a look a monkey i got expelled the next day.
