Day jokes

How do you make a blind person jealous? You ask if it's a nice day out.

Get a calculator.

Okay, anyways, Sally has 69 bottles of boobs (because she is a cannibal that collects boobs) and her friend said it was 222 many. She got caught by the police and was taken to 51st Street. She got arrested for x8 days, so she was BOOBLESS.

I went to a feminist picnic the other day.

It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents, buddy."

The Good Old Days.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

What is the day parents stopped fearing for their little boys? June 25, dead pedo day.

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻

I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.

May he rest in pizza.

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

It was a complete waste of money.

He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨