I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.
Day Jokes
I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.
The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents, buddy."
The Good Old Days.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.
A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.
What is the day parents stopped fearing for their little boys? June 25, dead pedo day.
I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻
I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.
May he rest in pizza.
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮💨
Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.
I love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day!
