Day jokes
I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"
Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."
I got up one day; my neighbor was in my house and was going to take me and my mom out. I showed my mom and my neighbor a trick. They both liked it. I asked my neighbor, "Do you know any tricks?" He said, "Yes, in matter of fact, I could tell you what your mom had for breakfast." I said, "How?" Well, my neighbor licked my mom's ass and ate her pussy out in front of me. He told me my mom had pancakes. So we were in the car; I asked my neighbor, "How did you know what my mom had pancakes for breakfast?" My neighbor said, "Well, that is what your mom made me while we were waiting for you to get up."
Billy and Bobby were walking to school one day. Billy pulled out an mp3 player.
"What's that?" Bobby inquired.
"Oh, just something to zone out the other kids," Billy responded.
The next day, Billy and Bobby were walking to school. Billy rummaged through his backpack and pulled out an mp4 player this time.
"Woah! What's that?" Bobby inquired.
"Oh, just a lil something to shut out the annoying kids at school," Billy responded.
The next day, Bobby noticed Billy's backpack was particularly heavy looking. Billy rummaged through his backpack just outside the school and pulled out an mp5 rifle.
"Holy shit, dude! What the fuck is that for?" Bobby gasped.
"Nice huh? This'll shut those fuckers up for good!" Billy replied.
Some people say I'm rude, but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I saw this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were. I just love looking at an orphanage.
My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.
It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silhouette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.
My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.
Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
I got detention one day. I don’t know why; I only slapped the emo kid on the wrist.
What's the second hardest thing in the morning?
The first hardest thing. 🍆
Me: Sorry I couldn’t make it to school yesterday, I had an appointment.
Teacher: What kind of appointment?
Me: I had an appointment with a cut day. 😈😈😈
True story.
Five more days.
I got home one day and a Spanish guy, white guy, black guy told me that your sister knows her meats.
She won a trophy. We blindfolded her, then my sister said, "Yeah, I was blindfolded, and I gave all three of them blowjobs and I had to guess which flavor of the meat it was."
The Trophy said Best Blowjobs. As a brother, I couldn't be prouder.
Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents' room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just uh, making cake,” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother’s room, so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We're making cake!”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How'd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
Me: Hey, Mom? Why do we celebrate birthdays?
Mom: Because that's the day a new life was born, and people are born every day so every day is a special day.
My thoughts: And my friend wonders why I have depression...
The other day while I was going down on my grandma, I thought I tasted a little horse semen and I got to wondering if maybe that’s what killed her!
I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.
Everyone's had a mind-blowing day before, just ask JFK.
Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps?
All his comebacks take three days.
The man was dangling by a string!
I was jealous the day he died.
Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.