Dating jokes
Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
About to go on a date.
But she was late.
So I got some tape.
And eventually punished her with rape.
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He had nobody to go with.
What's the difference between parking a car and finding a girlfriend?
All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody finds out.
When your crush walks in class, but you're homeschooled...
A friend sits across from me at class so I asked if she wants to hang out sometimes. She said yes, so I called her over to my house, and that's the day I found out she was a guy.
The moral of the story: don't try to fuck your friends.
Are you a keyboard? Cause you're my type.
What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."
A man is dating three women and has to choose which one he'll marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first woman does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits to look sexy for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money... Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.
I just figured out the "X" in Max stands for the button on Tinder every girl wants to press when they see him.
Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.
She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
What did the skeleton get when he saw goth girls?......A boner.
Men should pay for dates because women have to pay for expensive things like makeup because God didn’t finish their faces.
The date is April 1st.
Somebody asks you what you are doing.
“I guess you could say I’m... fooling around ( ✧≖ ͜ʖ≖)“
What do rocks and girls have in common?
The flat ones get skipped.
I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.
Where does a cow take his date?
Answer: To the moooooovies!
Fine, then if I can't do Gwen, then I guess it is Tenya and Kenya. #Twin sisters! Tenya and Kenya!