Dating jokes

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

What do you call a seven who's not feeling well? A sick seven

Where did Sally go after stepping onto the minefield? Everywhere

Getting a girlfriend is just like parking a car; usually all the good ones are taken, so you just gotta stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.

Why did the duck not enjoy his restaurant date?

Because he didn't want to see the bill.

I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!

I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."

Which planet would I consider dating?

I don’t know, but not Saturn because she’s already got a ring on her.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my sister?

There is no difference.

So I was sitting at a bar, right? That fucking waitress came again, and guess what? She brought the wrong drinks again. So I send her away to get the correct drinks. And she came back again, with the wrong drinks!! Obviously, she was retarded. Anyways that's the story about how I met your mother.

Why can't Pooh Bear catch a date?

Because he is always talking about his honey.

A teenage guy is taking a girl to a dance. First, he goes to buy her flowers, but there’s a really long line at the florist. Finally, he buys them.

Then, he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a really long line for that, too. After a few hours, he gets the tux.

That night, he picks up the girl and they go to the school for the dance. There’s a long line to get in that goes halfway around the school. A while later, they finally get in. They dance and talk for a while, then the guy gets thirsty, so he goes over to the table to get punch. There is no punch line.

Sex sex sex free sex tonight, I mean 666-3629.

Straight men change their girlfriends like they change their undies. So, about once a month.

What's the best thing about an orphan GF?

You don't have to meet her parents.

What do girls and rocks have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?

When you met her first before your parents met each other. (In the case of your mom dating her dad).

Is it weird that a milk carton has a date, and I don’t?

Are you a volcano? Because you're hot and I really lava you!

Men should pay for the first date, that’s why it’s called a (men)u.

Then women should do the dishes, that’s why they call it a dish wash(her).

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.