Dating jokes

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Stephen Hawking went on a date and came back with a broken leg. I can't believe she stood him up.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

Pick up lines.

"One fish, two fish, three fish, I’m breaking up with you, b*tch!"

"Hey there little mister, I’m dating your sister."

A couple is on their first date.

Man: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

Girl: "...I like you... do you like me back?"

Me: "Nope."

Girl: *is depressed* "Oh okay...."

Me: "You never said \"love\"".

Girl: "Oh! well do you love me?"

Me: "Frick no."

Can some hot depressed suicidal guy give me his number so we can cry about being depressed and wanting to die?

Why’s it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.

I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.

Why didn't Michael Jackson date 25 year olds?

Because there were only 20 of them.

Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

Do people even like me, C. A. S. N. O. V. A.?

Michael Jackson, who's terrified of adult women, once had a girlfriend, but broke it off with her. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not you, it's me-hee-hee."

Sophia matched with a midget on Tinder.

Midget: Hey! What’s up?

Sophia: Well technically everything is, from your perspective!

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

Neither one of them, they eat out.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.