Dating jokes

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Stephen Hawking went on a date and came back with a broken leg. I can't believe she stood him up.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

Pick up lines.

"One fish, two fish, three fish, I’m breaking up with you, b*tch!"

"Hey there little mister, I’m dating your sister."

A couple is on their first date.

Man: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

Girl: "...I like you... do you like me back?"

Me: "Nope."

Girl: *is depressed* "Oh okay...."

Me: "You never said \"love\"".

Girl: "Oh! well do you love me?"

Me: "Frick no."

Can some hot depressed suicidal guy give me his number so we can cry about being depressed and wanting to die?

Why’s it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

Guy: Whose place? Mine or yours?

Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

Neither one of them, they eat out.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

Why didn't Michael Jackson date 25 year olds?

Because there were only 20 of them.

Do people even like me, C. A. S. N. O. V. A.?

Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)