Dating jokes

Stephen Hawking went on a date and came back with a broken leg. I can't believe she stood him up.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

A couple is on their first date.

Man: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

Girl: "...I like you... do you like me back?"

Me: "Nope."

Girl: *is depressed* "Oh okay...."

Me: "You never said \"love\"".

Girl: "Oh! well do you love me?"

Me: "Frick no."

Can some hot depressed suicidal guy give me his number so we can cry about being depressed and wanting to die?

Why’s it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

Do people even like me, C. A. S. N. O. V. A.?

Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

Sophia matched with a midget on Tinder.

Midget: Hey! What’s up?

Sophia: Well technically everything is, from your perspective!

Guy: Whose place? Mine or yours?

Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.