Dating jokes

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

Sophia matched with a midget on Tinder.

Midget: Hey! What’s up?

Sophia: Well technically everything is, from your perspective!

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!

My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction!

Me to my friend: I only date suicidal girls.

My friend: Why?

Me: Because that pussy is limited edition.

Are you a wild girl, cause I want to catch you with my pokeballs?

What's the best thing about dating a blind chick?

She can't identify you.

Hi! This is a good prank I did! Okay, my sister has this crush and his name is Braylon. So, he texted my sister saying he wants to hang out with her, which I think means date. So anyway, I did this. My text said, "Hi Braylon, I can't hang out today... or the other day because I have homework, so please no hang out!" This is super wrong, but funny! Braylon texted back and said, "Fine, I can help." And I texted back and said, "Oh, will come here around 10:00." And my sister did not know he was coming... She was so embarrassed, she was still in her nightgown! HAHAHAH. O to the k, bye, that's the prankster!!!!

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

How are Tinder and orphans alike?

You swipe left till you find the one you like.

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?

Her: What?

Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.

What's the difference between a hoe and a sidechick? The hoe want different meals, the sidechick always gone be that one crumb on the side of the plate for debate 💯.