My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will have dialogue.”
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso expresso.
JK, it's bleach.
What’s the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?
There are 20 of them.
What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
Why can't homeless people be gay?
They don't have a closet to get out of.
Why can't Juice Wrld play Black Ops II?
Because he can't handle 6 perks.
This is not even a joke, it's a serious question... Is eating ass considered cannibalism?
Two simple steps to get 15,000 people to follow you:
Step 1: Buy a bottle of water (doesn't matter the size).
Step 2: Run through Africa with that bottle of water.
Perfect! Now you got yourself half the population there following you!
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimer's?
Yeah, neither have they.
How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights.
Kid: Dad, what's a dark joke?
Dad: Well, you see that guy over there? Tell him to wave.
Kid: But Dad, I'm blind.
Dad: Exactly, also the dude had no arm.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
What has 50 legs but can't walk?
25 disabled kids.
What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
What's long and black?
The line to KFC.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.
