Dad jokes
So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).
A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”
My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?
Little Jimmy has 5 red apples. His dad's car will arrive in 20 minutes. Calculate the mass of the Sun.
One day, Little Johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked, "What is that, Daddy?" Dad said, "Oh, that's my snake." The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks, "What is that?" Mom says, "That's my bushes." The next day, Little Johnny can't sleep, so he goes into his parents' room and asks Dad, "Why is your snake going into Mom's bushes?"
A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.
She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"
I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.
The dad finally came back with the milk!
I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.
He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.
Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.
At what point does a joke become a dad joke?
When it disappears and never returns home.
I loved the Twin Towers, it's a shame my dad didn't.
Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.
To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."
Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
Son: Dad, where are you?
Dad: Getting another one.
Son: Getting what?
Dad: Dad.
What's the difference between your dad and grocery shopping?
He didn't come back with the milk.
What is the difference between your dad and a video game?
Your dad doesn’t beat you.
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
Your dad died of hunger on the journey to find the milk.
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
Your mama's so young your dad went to jail.
I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.