Crucifixion jokes
Did Jesus cut his nails?
No! His nails cut through him.
How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.
What's the difference between Jesus and a holy whore?
Jesus got pegged against a cross.
What did Jesus say when they removed the nails from his hands?
"Feet! Feet!"
What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus?
The picture only takes one nail to hang.
How does Jesus whistle?
By blowing through the holes in his hands.
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
A painting only takes one nail to be hanged.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Did Jesus die a virgin? No, he got nailed before he died.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
Why can't Jesus play hockey?
He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, he got nailed before he died!
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
They'll fall right through his hands.
What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?
"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture? You need only one nail to hang a picture, unfortunately.
Jesus tried solving the Rubik's cube,
but died on the cross.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, you idiot. He got nailed before he died!
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of him?
Well, it only takes one nail.
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"