Crime jokes
Where do rape victims buy their clothes from?
The kids section.
Why can orphans never be kidnapped?
No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."
There was a school fire. I pushed the wheelchair kid into the fire and said, "Hot wheels!"
Lynching is just another word for "hanging around."
A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"
Do you know why I hate pedophiles? They are fucking immature kids!
What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast? A Sandy Hooker
What is it called when Bill Cosby and an illegal immigrant fight?
Aliens vs. Predator
"It's not a war crime if you win the war."
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Me: Hi Jacob!
Jacob: Hi.
Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!
Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH
I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
What’s the best part of violently raping a sexy 10-year-old girl? Killing the little bitch afterwards.
So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."
Why do most clips for automatic weapons have 32 bullets?
That's usually how many kids are in a classroom.
How do you know if a rapist loves you?
He will rape you many times.
Kidnapper: Hey kid, your mom told me to follow me.
Orphan: But I don't have a mom!
My dad in 9/11; he was the best pilot.
What do you call an ant who fights crime?
A vigilANTe!
Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 was a registered *sex* offender.