Crime jokes

People thought they were going to another country till they saw terrorists were flying the plane.

How to get quick cash:

Step 1: Kill a child's parents.

Step 2: Do foster care for them.

Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.

Came across the headline this morning whilst reading the paper...

"Woman beats off Rapist in carpark!"

I suppose that was a fair compromise!

What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife?

A heartless killer.

Pope Francis: "What is the hardest thing about nailing a young boy to a cross?"

"My penis."

A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”

What do you call a black man with a gun? A gangsta.

My girlfriend said I was a ped0phi1e.

That's a big word for a 6 year old!

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

I'm a rapist.

Say what you want about Jeffery Dahmer, but he always managed to get a head.

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

Why did Michael Jackson go to jail? He was feeling a little Randy.

Rape is so outdated, but when you pay them money, it is a popular date!

What's black, gold, and red all over?

Tupac in Vegas.

Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"

"No."

"Have you always been honest?"

"No, never been caught!"

Donald Trump didn't build a wall because he likes going to islands to touch little girls.

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.