Crime jokes

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

What is the difference between Catholics and Lutherans?

Catholics are registered sex offenders.

A lot of people claim that white privilege does not exist. Well, how the hell do you explain Michael Jackson not being charged for raping children, despite ample evidence?

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

My four conditions:

1. I need coffee.

2. I need vacation.

3. I need food.

4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.

Git is going to let Bill Cosby out of jail. Oh wait, he watched Little Bill.

If you combine math and meth, you will become Einstein White.

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

What's the advantage of being a grade A paedophile? You know it's not period blood.

Why do orphans rob banks?

Because they want to be wanted.

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

An orphan can’t ever play Grand Theft Auto V because he can’t get a wanted level.

Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?

Doctor: Yep.

Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.

Q: Do you know why orphans rob banks?

A: Because it's a guarantee they'll be wanted afterwards.

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

What's the difference between me and Bill Cosby?

I haven't been caught.

Q: Why did Bill Cosby get away with it?

A: Because the women were all Cosby-ing for it!