Crime jokes

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Do you guys know what KFC stands for? It stands for kidnapping foster children.

What do you call a paraplegic cannibal?

"Dine and dash."

They laughed at my drawing, so I laughed at their chalk outline.

I went on a dating site looking for arsonists.

I found a lot of matches.

"This is the dude who assassinated JFK."

"If you got a question, just shoot!"

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

What do you call Helen Keller after she killed 10 people?

Helen Killer.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

I killed a man in '94.

Below I meant to say I set the gay person on fire.

Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file.

Osama bin Laden

Got like 2,997 kills, damn, that's a new record!

So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."

A panda walks into a restaurant, orders some food, and eats it. Once he was done, he shoots the waiter, then leaves.

Police and detectives arrive at the scene. They ask the waiter, "Who did this to you? What happened?"

The waiter replies, "A panda, eats, shoots, and leaves."

Me: Hi Jacob!

Jacob: Hi.

Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!

Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH

Walter, I don't know, man, seems kinda sus.

1, 2, I have a gun.

3, 4, I am in a school.

5, 6, Everyone on the ground!