Crime jokes

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

When the person who killed JFK heard "headshot."

What do a priest and a pedo have in common?

Nothing, they both like kids.

Are you a gun, because I would be your bullets because I love going in children.

Are you a white van? Because I would love to put children in you.

What’s the difference between a pig and Maddie McCann?

Least a pig had an apple in its mouth when it was spit roasted.

What does RIP stand for on Maddie's head stone?

Raped in Portugal!

Jeffrey Dahmer likes his men how he likes his coffee: black and ground up.

Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Father’s Day.

What's the difference between me and a registered sex offender?

I am not registered.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Do you guys know what KFC stands for? It stands for kidnapping foster children.

What do you call a paraplegic cannibal?

"Dine and dash."

They laughed at my drawing, so I laughed at their chalk outline.

I went on a dating site looking for arsonists.

I found a lot of matches.

"This is the dude who assassinated JFK."

"If you got a question, just shoot!"

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

What do you call Helen Keller after she killed 10 people?

Helen Killer.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.