Crime jokes
Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.
Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.
Hit 'em with the 1, 2, Jeffery Dahmer!
Hit'em with the Ted Bundy.
How to get quick cash:
Step 1: Kill a child's parents.
Step 2: Do foster care for them.
Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.
It’s too bad G won’t be able to follow in Kobe’s footsteps and rape a hotel employee but not serve one minute in jail.
Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
Have you seen the Woody Allen v Mia Farrow series on HBO? If you like details about child molestation without having to do it yourself, boy do I have the show for you!
When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid's Sketchers light up.
A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.
Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"
Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"
Priest: "Fuck the children."
Rabbi: "Do we have time?"
Priest: "There's always time for something like that."
when Ted Bundy found out he was getting the death penalty, he was pretty shocked...
Among Us players after saying "Self Report!" to the police officers who find a dead body in their basement.
"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."
Win a free ride in a police car! Just pick up a knife and use it!
Teacher: Ok class, good morning. We are going to start off by asking what kind of sound animals make.
Teacher: Ok, what sound does a pig make?
Class: A cow says "moo moo."
Teacher: Good!
Teacher: What does a sheep make?
Class: A sheep says "baa baaa."
Teacher: Good! Now, what does a pig say?
Little Johnny: A pig says, "Put your hands up and get against the wall, you stupid mother fucker!"
Don't be scared of skeletons.
They don't have the guts for murder.
Today, I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints. Wow, I’m so nice taking care of the disabled.
If you were to ask me, "Where would be the worst place to commit a crime?" I would say a multi-storey car park, because if you think about it, it would be wrong on so many levels.
So my dad walks into a bar and there was a hooker and a child. I was with him and they both approached us and they said only £50 for head but it was a little weird that the child was talking to my dad and the hooker was talking to me. I was about to say something but my dad pushed me over and my friend's uncle killed my dad.
The kid was never seen again. Her name was Madeleine McCann. I think I'm the only one who knows where she is, but overall the head from the hooker was good.
My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.
"Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man."
"After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!"