Conversation jokes

Family

    • There's a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.

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    • Lgbt

    • Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.

    He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."

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    • Conversation memes

    Genie

    • A guy finds a genie.

    He says, "I wish I was better at talking to women."

    "Poof!" the genie says, "You're gay!"

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    • Orphan

    • What does a kid say to an orphan, "Where are your parents?"\n\n"I don’t have parents. Where are yours? Are you an orphan like me? I hope not!"

    Dwarf

    • I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”

    Me: Then which one are you?

    Ex

    • Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

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    • Daughter

    • A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

    Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

    Arabic

    • Why won't an atheist convert to the religion of Islam? Because being on the sex offender list is the only requirement to be a Muslim according to the Arabic religion of Islam.

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    • Ice Cream

    • An old lady walks into an ice cream store. A clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today, ma'am? We have every flavor you can imagine." The old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have." "Ok," she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream?" The clerk says a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream." The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?"

    Finally, totally exasperated, the clerk says, "Wait a minute, lady. Can you spell 'Van' as in vanilla?" "Why of course, young man," she says, "V-A-N." "Right," the clerk says, "Can you spell 'Straw' as in strawberry?" "Well of course, 'Straw'," she replied. "Ok, then," he says, "Now spell 'Fuck' as in chocolate." She says, "There's no 'Fuck' in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!"

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    • Comeback

    • My friend: "Yo, stupid."

    Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

    My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

    Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

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    • Self

    • I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

  • 0

    • Guy

    • I was 11 or 12 at the time.

    Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

    If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

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