Control jokes
If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.
Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"
Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."
Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?
A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.
What do feminists and dogs share in common? They need to be taken to obedience school.
I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
I hope all of you had a great merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a good whatever you celebrate! I got so much this year, over $300 of fishing gear, a small 2011 coin mint collection, some coins from the Nazi party, a remote control car, 100 dollars, and more. Say what you guys got in the comments.
How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
What's more useless than a broken condom? A fetus resulting from a broken condom.
Jack and Jill wanted some pills.
So they went to the dealer; he saw they were kids and said, "Fuck this shit," then Jack rocked his ass and took all the good shit except birth control pills.
Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"
Me: power button.
"Police control! Have you been drinking?"
"Go Pikachu! Thunder Clap!"
"Did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?
What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?
An RCXD (remote control explosive).
What is a prostitute's favorite form of traffic control?
Speed humps.
What's a rapist's fav position?
Missionary in a dark corner.
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.
If I ever stuff up a post, please let me be. I do have ADHD, short-term memory disorder, and dyscalculia, so please remember that no one likes to be picked on for things that they can't control.
Suicide is population control, republished.