Control jokes

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?

A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.

What do feminists and dogs share in common? They need to be taken to obedience school.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

I hope all of you had a great merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a good whatever you celebrate! I got so much this year, over $300 of fishing gear, a small 2011 coin mint collection, some coins from the Nazi party, a remote control car, 100 dollars, and more. Say what you guys got in the comments.

How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.

What's more useless than a broken condom? A fetus resulting from a broken condom.

Jack and Jill wanted some pills.

So they went to the dealer; he saw they were kids and said, "Fuck this shit," then Jack rocked his ass and took all the good shit except birth control pills.

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

"Police control! Have you been drinking?"

"Go Pikachu! Thunder Clap!"

"Did you just throw a hamster at my head?"

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?

What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?

An RCXD (remote control explosive).

What is a prostitute's favorite form of traffic control?

Speed humps.

What's a rapist's fav position?

Missionary in a dark corner.

A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.

The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.

The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”

I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.

If I ever stuff up a post, please let me be. I do have ADHD, short-term memory disorder, and dyscalculia, so please remember that no one likes to be picked on for things that they can't control.

Suicide is population control, republished.

"Confucius say, man who has mosquito on balls truly understands nonviolence."