Comedy jokes
I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called "serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.
Why is that a joke?
Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.
Why is that a joke?
Dude, come on, you want to start your day off happy or not?
Why is that a joke?
She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.
No seriously, dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.
If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?
I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.
—Shane Richie, British actor
I'm in a wheelchair, right, so I've tried everything but one stand up.
It didn't work.
Why can't orphans go to movies?
There PG-13 movies.
Hey, you know those birds and lizards that feast on decaying flesh?
Oh, sorry, I shouldn't carrion about it.
Man: Okay, tell me a joke without the expense of anyone's feelings.
Me: Okay, so an Asian...
What do you call an Indian man stuck in a tree?
A leaf.
What do you call a midget stripper?
A pocket pussy.
What did the farmer say when he saw his chicken cross the road?
"No, my cock!"
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
What do you call a Mexican with one leg?
Border hopper.
*JMC*
ANOMALY-931
"Gwen"
Identification: just a stupid animal, with a big ass heart.
*True story*
I saw this guy with a very bad hairline who was painting himself blue and it said "Smurf Paint," but I shouted, "Megamind!"
Wanna hear a joke...
I don't know, I'm too high.
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
Mexican Comedy Week
Margarita Monday Taco Tuesday Wetback Wednesday Tequila Thursday Fiesta Friday Shake It Saturday Sneaky Sunday
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh---
MOOOO!
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands!
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.
Why did Adele cross the road? To sing, “Hello from the other side!”
How do trees access the internet? They log in.
Did you get them? Me neither. I mean, it is worst jokes ever. I'm kidding, I actually do understand them.
Man: Knock, knock...
Boy: Who's there?
Man: Bear...
Boy: Bear who?
Man: Bear bottom.