Comedy jokes

Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.

What is the difference between the President of Ukraine and the President of the United States?

The President of Ukraine is a comedian, and the President of the United States is a joke!

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.

Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.

I bought a guh on the weekend.

(what's a guh?)

GUHZZLE DEEZ NUTS! 🥜 🔩 🌰

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

This page could use more "butt quack" jokes.

What's the best thing about abuse jokes? The punchline.

I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).

Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.

Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

If Shaq had a boat, he would name it "Freethrow," because he would never sink it.

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.