Comedy jokes

Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.

"Moo!" says the second.

Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.

I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

I bought a guh on the weekend.

(what's a guh?)

GUHZZLE DEEZ NUTS! 🥜 🔩 🌰

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

This page could use more "butt quack" jokes.

I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well.

If Shaq had a boat, he would name it "Freethrow," because he would never sink it.

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

A funny joke scenario.

Person 1: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Person 2: Because he had no "body" to go with.

Person 1: Because he was ugly, fat, and nobody liked him.

What is the worst comedy for disabled people?

Stand-up comedy!