Comedy jokes

I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"

I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.

You're so fat,

when you stepped on the scale,

Buzz Lightyear came out and said,

"To infinity and beyond!"

When my dog starts to bark, he starts to get ruff.

You know why eggs can't tell jokes?

They crack each other up!

What does an Asian say when his car tires burst on the highway?

"Some Ting Wheely Wong!"

Why did the man die of the actor's performance?

The performance was unbeLIVEable!

Knock, knock? Who's there? French. French who? French fries!

I love telling jokes about orphans.

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

There are two muffins baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?"

The other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Little Jimmy was in the shower singing "Dame Tu Cosita," and her mom heard it and went to the shower, and Jimmy's mom saw Jimmy wearing a bathing suit in the shower, and Jimmy yells "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP!"

Pokemon Jokes!

What do you do when your Loudred evolves?

Buy more earplugs!

What's the difference between you and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

They finally made a movie about a clock, about time.

If 2 vegetables have an argument, it's called beef.

My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.

Q. What do Kenny's dick and this joke have in common?

A. They're both really short.

Mom: I'm getting you a dog!

Me: OMG REALLY?!

Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?

Me:...

Me: Bitch, please.

You know this joke really cracks up my bones!

I like women's rights "jokes" because they're all facts.

Q. What did the math book say to the other math book?

A. I have too many problems.