Comedy jokes

What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest?

Father Les.

I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

How did the Shaggy defense become successful for JD Vance?

He was not banging on the sofa. Rather, he was banging the sofa!

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

Enough with the Nazi jokes.

They make me führeious!

Nah c'mon guys, we don't let jokes like this fly around here.

"I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying."

- Charlie Chaplin

A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.

A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”

I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.

What type of people think rape jokes are funny?

Only the coolest people in the world! I fucking love you guys 😂

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

The difference between dark jokes and morbid is,

dark jokes are 10 babies in 1 trash can, and

morbid jokes are 1 baby in 10 trash cans.

It's only rape.

If she finds out.

Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.

"Moo!" says the second.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."