Comedy jokes

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

Kelly Clarkson wants to be Rosie O'Donnell so badly. Too bad Kelly is the "Queen of Incest" and not the "Queen of Nice".

(And Kelly came from a sundown town in the Deep South, and not from Long Island.)

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?

Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"

My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.

I should put a little more backbone into them.

These jokes are weak like the structure of the towers.

Nah c'mon guys, we don't let jokes like this fly around here.

I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.

Simply because they look up to me.

"Man, your jokes about homicide are totally killer!"

There is a lot of difference between a man and a woman saying, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie."

What do you call a bus full of transgender men? T-Mobile.

What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?

America's funniest home videos.

Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."

What do you call a movie with kids with cancer? ... Finding Chemo.

I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well.

Did you know Cobain had dandruff? Yep. They found his head and shoulders all over the back of his couch.