Comedy jokes

What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone. Wing-wing Halo?

What is the similarity between a joke and food?

Some people just don't get them!

Why do orphans get offended by dark humor?

It doesn’t hit home.

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.

The twin towers: No, it won't.

You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door

Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student: The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher: She drowned?!

Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

We shouldn't joke about rape, because rape is no laughing matter...

Unless you're being raped by a clown.

I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.

Q: How are Asians like a box of chocolates?

A: Either way they'll kill your dog.

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

It's not that I don't get the laugh, but most of you need to read through what's already been posted, 'cause everybody's saying the same sh*t.

What is it called when you hit your funny bone at night?

Dark humor.

A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, "What is a tragedy?"

One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, "If my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies, "That would be an accident, not a tragedy."

A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, "If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies once again with: "That would be a great loss, not a tragedy." All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says, "If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"

"Yes!" Says Bill Clinton "How do you know?" Matthew says happily, "It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!"

I call my friends Dodo birds. Because they don't exist.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?

Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.