Comedy jokes

"Rapeboat" makes Elton John seem straight.

My friend: You're so skinny, you never miss the elevator when it's closing. You just slip right through!😂

Me thinking it's a gift from God: 🕴️😎

Actor 1: "I'm Michael with a b and I hate insects."

Actor 2: "Where's the b?"

Actor 1: "THERE'S A BEE???????????!!!!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!"

How do you open a banana? Answer with a mon-key.

Jokes about the Twin Towers and planes usually crash and burn.

While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.

Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!

Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.

You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.

Robin Williams' death was the most horrible impression ever given. (RIP Robin Williams, you will be missed!)

Me: Have you seen the movie Constipation?

You: No.

Me: Because it hasn’t come out yet! ERMINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kobe: Stop doing dark humor!

Me: Why? They don't land well together?

Seriously, who wants fucking Annoying Orange as president?

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.

What do 9/10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

"You're really hot, I wanna hit on you like the plane hit the Twin Towers."

I would tell a Biden joke except everyone would not stop falling asleep (including him).

What do you call a fantastic goat?

Goatastic! So funny please like.

My friend: What are you doing?

Me: I'm making holy water.

My friend: How?

Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.

All my jokes are cries for help.

INCLUDING THIS ONE.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.