If 2 vegetables have an argument, it's called beef.
What did God say when he made Jake Paul?
"Oops, I made a mistake."
Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.
Me: But you are not standing:)
Penis.
A bully chokes me. I simply say, "Joke's on you, I like being choked!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh---
MOOOO!
Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.
The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."
I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.
One time there was a squirrel who died.
It was funny because the squirrel got dead.
When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.
When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
Some guy farts and says, "That was some asshole behind me."
Mooning is very astrological!
Student: Hey! Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Teacher: No?
Student: All I can say about it is, "Well, well, well."
Why did the boy shoot the clock? he wanted to kill time.
To the people who have seen "Meet The Fockers" at the movies and they hated it, Fock You, Motherfockers!
So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"
Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
"Can I tell you a paper joke?" I said, "But it is pretty terrible."
Dead baby jokes never get old...
