Cold jokes

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch cold.

Why do hospitals have air conditioning?

To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

Q: What did the late cannibal get when he got to the party?

A: A cold shoulder.

Why does Sonic wear gloves? Because his hands are cold.

Why can't you get water in the North Pole?

Because there is no well.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite.

I drip when you take me in the mouth, what am I? Ice cream.

Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁

What can you catch but not throw?

A cold!

What do superheroes put in their drinks?

Just ice.

Why was the Mexican scared of cold water?

It might turn into ICE.

If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.

Why was the rapper cold in the recording studio?

Because his bars were ice.

What did the iceberg say to the firefighter?

"Come close and I’ll knock you out cold!"

What does a burnt pizza, cold beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?

Someone didn’t pull it out in time.

The cold winter night, there was a cabin in the woods. The cabin housed 3 men. The men were gay but they did not know.

Fili: "Fili." Kili: "And Kili." Fili and Kili: "At your service." Kili: "You must be Mr. Baggins." Bilbo: "No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house." Kili: "What?! Has it been canceled?" Fili: "No one told us." Bilbo: "Can...! No, nothing’s been canceled." Kili: "That’s a relief." Fili: "Careful with these, I just had them sharpened." Kili: "It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?" Bilbo: "Uh...no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?" Dwalin: "Fili, Ki­li, come on, give us a hand." Kili: "Mr. Dwalin." Balin: "Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in." Bilbo: "Ev...everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If...if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!" One of the Dwarves: "Get off, you big lump!"

Then the men only had one seat they had in the cabin. It was a bar seat. they were able to flip it upside down and fit all of them on it.

A priest walks outside and finds two young boys sitting on a big ice cube. The priest asks what they are doing. The boys answer that the priest always likes a couple of cold ones before he goes on.

How do you know if a snowman is a girl or a boy?

A: Snowballs.

Why was the stadium so cold?

Because of all its fans!