Childhood jokes
My father left me at a young age.
He was only five.
I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
There is an upside to being an orphan. Every bag of chips is family size.
I went into a CS:Go lobby and all I heard for ten minutes straight was, "Act like you're hard, but your dad beat you harder."
I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
This is my fidget spinner, I got it in my Easter basket.
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
Broccoli is like anal sex.
If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They can't ever find home.
Your dad's penis was chopped off at the age of 2.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite childhood song? "The wheels on the chair go round and round....."
Why don't orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
What's meaner than taking candy from a baby?
Throwing the baby off a cliff.
What's the difference between $1 million and baby teeth?
I don't have $1 million in my wallet.
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.
The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer. It never gets old.