Childhood jokes
What's the difference between my father and acne?
Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.
How do terrorists feed their children?
"Here comes the airplane!"
Why don't orphans like getting lost?
Because if people find them, they ask, "Where are your parents?"
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She was born without arms.
What is a Care Bear's favorite job?
Take care of bears.
Why can't orphans open a website?
Because they don't have a home page.
What's the difference between a Christian and a child who believes Santa exists?
Nothing. They both believe in fairytales!
What's an upside of being an orphan?
You'll never get grounded again.
An innocent boy is reading through his father’s phone, looking at the messages and trying to learn things about his family from them. He saw a message asking for something which seemed strange, but ultimately the boy decided to surprise his father with what it said.
“Timmy, why are there thirty-five cats in the living room?” shouted the father.
“I was only supplying what you wanted from Mother!” replied the boy.
Why don't orphans know how to play baseball? Because they don't know where how is.
Why does a kid never come home after a fight with their parents? Because they never found the key to the house again.
Did you hear? There is a new toy for boys ages 2-10. It's called Jackson. A tiny white doll, with black Jackson. Get it while supplies last.
Q. What does Michael Jackson get his sex partners as a gift?
A. Crayons.
One day, a father was showering, and his daughter ran into the bathroom while he was getting out and drying off.
The daughter curiously pointed to her father's penis and asked, "Daddy, when am I going to get one of those!?"
The father replied quickly, "In about 15 minutes, when your mother leaves for work."
My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"
Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."
How are boobs and toys similar?
Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.
What do you call a child version of Batman?
The Raped Crusader.
It's often said that people peaked in high school.
I think Trump peaked in kindergarten.
A kindergarten teacher asks her students, "Do you know any words that start with P?"
Little Timmy responds with, "Elmo."
Mom: Go clean your room, Little Johnny.
Little Johnny: No, it’s my room.
Mom: Well, it’s my house.
Little Johnny: Then go clean it.
Mom: Go to school!
At school:
Teacher: Hi, Little Johnny. You’re late.
Little Johnny: Watch because my son of a bitch mom told me to clean her room. I told her no, it’s my room, and then she said, 'Well, it’s my house.' Then I said, 'Go clean it,' and then she told me to go to school.
Teacher: Johnny, go to the principal’s office! You just came into school and now you're causing trouble. Go!