Child jokes
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."
What is an orphan's favorite movie? Home Alone.
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?
Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
Sally's mother had four children. The fourth April, the second May, the third June. Who was the first child?
Sally.
Bowling is like child support: it involves balls.
The mailman came to drop the mail off.
Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.
Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."
Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends how hard you can throw them.
Why was the kid sad?
He was adopted.
Can an orphan child be arrested for vandalism, or will the officers ask for their parents to talk to?
What's an orphan's favorite sport?
Baseball, because that's the only time they can run home.
Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because he can't hit a home run.
I rolled over a log and underneath was a tiny little stick, and I was like, "That log had a child!"
Did you hear about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
What do you call a child version of Batman?
The Raped Crusader.
A lot of people claim that white privilege does not exist. Well, how the hell do you explain Michael Jackson not being charged for raping children, despite ample evidence?
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.
One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet with her son. Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Yes, it is,” the man replies. “You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies. “I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “OK. How much?” the man replies, after considering the position he was in. “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats. “That’s awful expensive,” but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway, and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off. “Yes, it is,” replies the man. “Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks. “OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.” “I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy. “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. “Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Don’t you start that crap in here,” the priest says.
How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?
Power off his chair.
How is spinach like anal sex? If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
Little Johnny went up to his mom and said: "Can I have some milk?"
He waited for three hours to get an answer.
His mom finally said: "No, your dad still isn't back with it."