Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
What did the skeleton say to the genderless child? "You're fucking dead, mate."
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
What happened to the eight-year-old boy that needed to go to the bathroom during church?
The priest stopped him on the way there.
Q) What did the airplane say to the little boy?
A) Nothing, airplanes don't talk!
Have a sink in your house? Eat it.
Have a mouse in your house? Kill it.
Have a child in your house? MICROWAVE IT.
...just kidding. Now watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5tjtUFL0j4
A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
How do Asian people name their children?
They throw a pan down the stairs.
What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.
What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.
Little boy: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?
Little boy: Your parents.
What do you call an orphan's family tree? A stump.
What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?
Beets stain your teeth.
What’s the similarity between a penis and a lollipop?
Kids can take both.
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
Broccoli is like anal sex.
If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?
Children.
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
There's three kids: Little Drop, Little Feather, and Little Brick. Little Feather goes, "Mommy, why do you call me L'feather?" She answers, "Cuz a little feather fell over your head when you were born." L'Drop asks his mom, "Mommy, why do you call me L'drop?" She answers, "Cuz a little drop fell on your head when you were born." L'brick goes, "aafddkcasgbklcdahjkcbgtnhrfn."
