Canning jokes

Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.

I'm so confused. Who is Gwen? The only Gwen I can think of is the one from Spiderman. 😂

Can [I] ask your sister how you are going for Christmas? And [to clarify,] I have internet.

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

A burger walks into a bar and says, "Hi sir, can I have a glass of water?"

And the waiter says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve food here."

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme, but you can hear a hormone.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ken.

Ken who?

Can you walk the dog for me?

How can you tell a bow n' arrows scared?

He starts to quiver! ;)

Why is an orphan's favorite game Monopoly?

Because they can actually buy a house.

Why was the Pokemon under your bed? So it can Pikachu.

Yes, you are the one who can get it, and what time do I have?

Let's get this right. What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg, but you can't beat...

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Yes, houses can't jump at all.

There are three types of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? They keep falling off the wagon.

Elderly man: Can I get a discount, please? I fought in World War 2.

Cashier: Sure!

Elderly man: Danke.

What’s something you can say during a pregnancy test and during a sporting event?

"We’ve got a runner!"

There are perks to bringing an emo to the grocery store; you can get coupons by scanning their wrist.

Why does an orphan go to a sewer?

So it can wash up.