Canning jokes

What do a jack-o-lantern and an emo have in common?

They can both carve a new emotion.

Why does an orphan like church so much? So he can call someone "father."

Why does the orphan like nature? He can call someone "mother."

What type of horse can jump higher than a house?

All houses can't jump.

Aren't paraplegics just plegics who can fly?

Elderly man: Can I get a discount, please? I fought in World War 2.

Cashier: Sure!

Elderly man: Danke.

Your forehead is so big that you can see the whole world before you do!

What is the only reason you can hit an orphan and get away with it?

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Why do emos have friends?

So they can hang with each other.

What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?

A white elephant.

Hey, you person who's scrolling, please leave your HONEST opinion on life. Do you think "life sucks" or "eh, it's okay," etc.? It can be short; if you don't want to, then that's okay.

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an apple.

Can [I] ask your sister how you are going for Christmas? And [to clarify,] I have internet.

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

I'm so confused. Who is Gwen? The only Gwen I can think of is the one from Spiderman. 😂

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ken.

Ken who?

Can you walk the dog for me?

Let's get this right. What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg, but you can't beat...