Canning jokes

"Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."

- Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*

Why do orphans like robbing banks?

So they can be wanted.

One like and whatever you say in the comments I'll do, but one rule: it can only be 2-4 hours in or out of Gloucestershire and South Gloucestershire.

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them.

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

What's the difference between E.T. and an orphan?

E.T. can phone home.

Why can orphans travel around so much?

A. They never get homesick.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

What are the similarities between a blind person and an orphan?

Neither can see their parents.

Why do orphans go to church?

It's the only place where they can call someone "father."

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.

Why do emo kids cost so much?

Because they’re the only people you can scan at the checkout machine.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

I used to date this girl only to find out she's a guy.

I guess you can say she had me in a trans.

What do you call a German that can not see?

A Not-see.

Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.

For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

¡Hola, soy Dora!

Can you help me find the two fucks I'm supposed to give?!

What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

What kind of fruit can fix your sink?

A plum-ber.

Why can you never surprise mountains?

They peak.

Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.