What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A. A bird can fly, but a fly cannot bird.
Canning Jokes
Why can orphans get away from the FBI?
Because they don't have a house.
What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?
A white elephant.
It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Can you walk the dog for me?
Hey, you person who's scrolling, please leave your HONEST opinion on life. Do you think "life sucks" or "eh, it's okay," etc.? It can be short; if you don't want to, then that's okay.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an apple.
One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Why is an orphan's favorite game Monopoly?
Because they can actually buy a house.
Why do emo kids cost so much?
Because they’re the only people you can scan at the checkout machine.
Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?
So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.
Been learning Chinese...
69 is too-can-chew.
Where can white people cook better than Black people?
On Father’s Day.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.
If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.
I used to date this girl only to find out she's a guy.
I guess you can say she had me in a trans.
What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?
I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!
What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?
Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.
Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.
