Can jokes
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an apple.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Can you walk the dog for me?
Been learning Chinese...
69 is too-can-chew.
Why do emo kids cost so much?
Because they’re the only people you can scan at the checkout machine.
The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"
The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"
The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"
The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"
The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"
My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"
A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.
Why can North Korea draw a straight line? Because they've got a supreme ruler.
Why do Asians excel at math?
Because their dog can never eat their homework.
I had sex with a disabled girl. You can say I handiclapped those cheeks.
With the sentence "Die in hell," you can buy shoes in Germany.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speed bump 😬.
I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can also tell if they are standing.
People should build orphanages next to graveyards so at least orphans can see their parents.
Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?
Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.
How can you tell if a man is straight? You don't have to, he will tell you.
9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.
It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.
Pro tip kids, you CAN hit an orphan because they can't cry to their parents!