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My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

Hot wheels.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “What are you going to do now?”

God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”

What do you call a joke without a punchline?

If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the Movie 300, the movie would be called 1.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick.

What do you call a dog with no legs? – Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.

My father said I’m to reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support

A teaher gives her kindergarden students four flavors of live savers and they have to guess the flavors the students guess cherry lime and orange. They dont know th last flavor. So the teacher gives them and hint and say its what your parents call each other. [honey] But a little girl shouts and says “ OMG there assholes.

What do you call shaving a crazy sheep? – Shear madness.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? – Meals on wheels.

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

What do you call a dead fly? – A flew.

What do you call a disabled Asian?

Sum Ting Wong

What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? – Canned food.