But jokes

You're so fat, no one was laughing, but the floor was cracking!

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"

In British chess I guess they play without a queen...

But in American chess they play without 2 towers.

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church.

A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, but the third nun, her arm was too short.

Okay not a depression joke but... what’s worse than 10 babies in 1 bucket?

1 baby in 10 buckets.

The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza, but it came plain.

I got 99 problems but a chin ain't one.

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

Q. Why were the Twin Towers so mad?

A. Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but they only got plane.

I'm not a chef, but boy, are these days getting harder and harder to get through.

At first I was skeptical, but the universe has really grown on me.

I was going to tell you a joke about a big cat, but I would be lion.

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

Some people think Bin Laden is dead, but some think he's alive.

He is the Al-Qaeda Elvis.

What is heavy forward but not backward?

"Ton."

I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a homeless shelter?

You can shit a load inside of a prostitute, but if you try it in a shelter, you get arrested.

I made an orphan website.

But it did not have a home page.