But jokes

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort it.

Friend 1: What's your favorite drink or food?

Friend 2: Pizza.

Friend 3: Donuts.

Friend 4: I don't eat food but I do drink bleach.

Friend 1: (calling the suicide hotline)

Friend 2: (Calling the parents)

One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,

"What part of the dog did you get?"

A young, innocent little girl is playing hopscotch, and she says, "You step on a crack, you break your mama's back." Then she steps on a crack, so her mother's back proceeded to break slowly. Then she said, "You step on a line, you break your dada's spine," but the neighbor's spine broke, and in happiness, the thought-to-be previous father gets in his car and drives through the garage door...

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

Why aren't there any stray cats in Chinatown?

There are, but they're just listed as "pork" on the menus.

I dropped my phone, but it’s on airplane mode.

Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister.

I'd tell ya a poop joke, but you're my favorite turd.

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

Cesar: What was that good salad called?

Servant: Ceaser, Cesar.

Cesar: Okay, what's going to be the weather like?

Servant: Hail, Cesar.

Cesar: Yes, I know "Hail Cesar," but I need to know what the weather's like!

Servant: Well, it's hail, Cesar.

Cesar: AHHHHH! Send him to the DUNGEONS! NOW!

I am really hot, but I hate water. What am I?

I like this Russian girl, but she hasn't asked me to hang off a cliff while drinking vodka.

They told me I'd never be good at poetry.

But to date I have made 3 jugs and a vase, and they look lovely!

I waved to you before, but you never sea me because you're so washed up.

I had some puns about construction, but I'm still working on them.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

Once, there was a kid named Cale, but his classmates didn’t know it was spelled with a “C,” so they asked him if he could be their snack.

"SCOOT WANT TAXI!" Ok, maybe I do but can't make it there because yo mama is so fat he can't hear me on the other side.

So the fire alarm went off, but as soon as they walked out of the classroom, the only fire they saw was out of a gun.